Goodbye Paul

Today I share a difficult subject. My neighbor died, and his service was last week. It was rumored that he committed suicide. It’s hard to believe he would do that, especially since he seemed so kind and put together. It’s hard to write this in the past tense. I want to say he is…

He had the same routine for the six years I’ve known him. He was retired and walked the 3 blocks to Rite Aid every day for a paper. He loved his garden and was always tending to it. He would mow my lawn, pull my trash cans from the curb to the side of the house, and shovel my walkway from snow. He’d say don’t worry about when I would thank him. He was a single man with no kids. His actions were like clockwork. He knew everyone and looked out for the neighborhood. He chatted but was not overly talkative. He fed stray cats.  

I keep trying to go over the timeline of his death. I think it may have happened while I was on vacation. My mother was sick, so I didn’t return home right away. I stayed with her for a few days. Even though my neighbor and I didn’t share more than pleasantries, I wonder what if I saw him that day? Could I have changed his mind? Maybe it is selfish to think I had the power to stop him. But it doesn’t make me feel less guilty.  

As I said, suicide is a rumor; I don’t know for sure. The neighbor who informed me said she didn’t believe it. She spent a lot of time walking her dog with him. However, suicide is a taboo subject we don’t talk about. He was a great man, I’m sure everyone would be saying you know he was sick right? (he wasn’t) Or did hear he was hit by a car? (nada) Or he had that sudden heart attack! (Nope). He was a slim, active 60 something year old. He didn’t die in his house. They say he went to the park. No other details. May 4th is the last time my camera picked him up.

Suicide leaves so many questions for friends, families, and acquaintances. May is mental health month. Talk to someone about your life. There is no shame in speaking with the therapist. You are not crazy. Everyone should have an objective person listen to them and validate them. The therapist can also help you brainstorm when you are stuck.

If you feel like you don’t want to live anymore, TALK TO SOMEONE. The US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours. Their number is 800-273-8255. However, local states and cities may also have a hotline. In Philadelphia, PA you can call is (215) 685-6440. 

Since the pandemic, there has been an increase in people using psychotherapy services, especially telehealth. There are fee-based services online, like talk space. A simple Google search can find a therapist in your area. If finances are a problem, many have sliding scales. Also, calling your insurance company for a list of covered providers is the best way to start.  

By going to Paul’s services (my deceased neighbor), I learned so much about his life. He was a redhead (I met him with white hair), he loved to play the guitar, and he liked to travel. Although he had no wife or kids, he was a valuable member of society and a great human being. We can really beat ourselves up in our heads and see no solutions. Please talk to something preferring a clinically trained professional if you have these thoughts.

RIP Paul